Head-Fuck City!

Ok, I’m over it. I think.

Been around a little emotional Catharine wheel in the last few weeks. Headfuck city. For some un explicable reason I lost control of my emotional state with regards to one of my closest friends. While my rational mind never thought there was anything other than the stable, regular dynamics of our rather flirty, rather physical, but essentially platonic friendship, inside I tripped and fell into a hole. My body was going through all the physical effects of being in love.
Felt like a total prick while this was going on too, because so many times I was inches away from doing something stupid and creating a difficult situation in our friendship, every time pulled back by my rational will power.
So what are you meant to do in that situation? I contemplated breaking it off for a few weeks, hiding away until my feelings sorted themselves out. I couldn’t face that idea because at the point at which she said – ‘why are you avoiding me?’ I’d have ended up spilling my guts and making a bigger prick out of myself than before. I contemplated going down the ‘tell her everything, hope she feels the same’ route. In my little fantasy it all goes great and we live happily ever after…aaaah! ^slap^ wake up!
But seriously I don’t need to go there – I know exactly how she feels. Sure she loves me very much, but not like that thanks very much. The silly thing is that that’s all I felt for ages, and I was and still am perfectly happy with that.

It was just one conversation.
Nothing epic, just something little that set off the alchemy inside me. It was something I said and she replied, and we were remembering a hard time we’d both been through separately, but in the moment I felt and remembered how much I’d thought of her, missed her…
When I was at the darkest time of my life I’d cling in my mind to the images of absent friends, the idea that they were somewhere else not feeling as bad and alone as me gave me hope and comfort. She was one of them. At about the same time I now know she was going through a similarly painful part of her life at more or less the same time. And it was when she told me about how much she’d thought of me when she was going through all that – It pulled all the intensity of emotion I’d felt at that time into the present. As if this darkest moment was something we’d shared somehow. So in my memory I wasn’t so alone as I thought – she’d been there with me.

I felt a bond in that moment like nothing I’ve felt in years.

It took a day or so for this to sink in properly. I went home, slept (we’d been up all night talking) woke up and thought ‘fuck!…She’s done me!’ I had a scary new feeling, like my heart felt wide open, and tender like a wound. For the next few days I went in circles around elation, excitement, agitation, fear, joy, confusion… Just like being bang in love with someone. All the time in my head I was saying ‘chill, let it pass’ but totally aware that I’d lost all control of my feelings for her.

Well at least I now know I’m human! I’ve been feeling my feelings like I’ve not been able to in years. I was quite blocked up and now it’s all flowing a bit more. Silly thing is I feel much more vulnerable than I did before. I’m scared to allow myself to get too close to people in case I find my self falling for them, out of control like some teenage train wreck!
So how am I able to now claim to be past it? Have I buried my heart again? Deep down so no one can find it? No I haven’t. I have however thought more about what it was that sent me off on that little journey, about the conversation and what it meant to me. I can’t quite understand why that feeling of comfort in my darkest moments translated into physical love in the present moment. Surely that should just make her a better friend than before? I guess it refers back to a point I expressed some time ago – proves it to me actually – whilst before it was a hypothesis, now its clearly a fact: that there is only really one kind of love. Love is the same whether it’s a close friend, lover, brother, sister, teacher, child… the things that differentiate these relationships from each other are other things – other dynamics or social contracts which specify the parameters around which the relationship functions, but where there is love, actually the love is the same whatever the relationship. Between a close friend and a lover, or a long term partner, soul mate etc. the only difference is the physical attraction and interaction of sex, lust, passion, intimacy…that includes kisses and hugs, not just fucking… the love part of it is just the same as a deep friendship.
So I suppose the answer is that for me no one had felt that close to me for a very long time – and that was an intense passionate love full of lust and hunger, an animal interaction, which opened my heart and mind up and fed my soul to bursting. I guess when you get that deep into my psyche that’s what you find. The heart of my manhood. The center of my emotional body. The place where animal instinct takes over.

Its only my neediness that complicates everything. In that deep place the need kicks in. Its an inner child thing. The need for security around that most vulnerable feeling. The need turns a wonderful deep moment into a ‘this must last forever’ moment. Make me want to put it in my pocket and keep it safe, so it’ll last as long as possible. The thing is I know very well that that’s not how it works in the real world, and that that mode of thought is pure need, nothing else.

upon understanding this the need has no power over me any more.

So I change a few things. My hair, my diet, stop drinking or a while, I went on a grape fast, dig out a couple of old books that have helped me clear my head in the past. Just change my emotional scenery a little. Pop the bubble I’ve found my head in.

The lesson I’ve learned here? Not to allow the clingy insecurity that goes along with those deep emotions to have a say in my thinking. I see it for what it is. Yes, I found her inside me, and now I let her out again. No strings attached. No cost to pay, nothing owing. I know for many people that deep intimacy comes at a high price. Only when there’s commitment, promises, hooks and strings attached do those doors open voluntarily. Well not me, not this time anyway.
I know myself better now, and I respect her far too much to make something more out of this than there really is.

So I’m over the emotional Catherine wheel. I still love her, of course I do. Always will. But the Genii is back in its bottle. I’m settled on another plateau of friendship. Its deeper than it was before, that’s all.



An Afterthought……

I had a lovely dream a couple of weeks ago where I was having a conversation with our two children!

Ok, so my subconscious has decided I’m having kids with her.

I promise I will get a grip one of these days!!