The Self Esteem Checklist

I have recently noticed a dichotomy in my self between the way I think about my self, the values I uphold and apply to others, and my sense of self image. This is a weird one – so bear with me…
When I look at girls and evaluate their attractiveness I don’t particularly differentiate between slim, average size, and overweight. I must confess if someone is painfully skinny, or morbidly obese I find that less than attractive, but anywhere in between those states is pretty much the same in my eyes, as long as the person is physically confident, feels good about who they are and has an attractive personality. That’s what I really find attractive about someone – whatever they look like, if their personality is exciting and attractive and sexy then in about 5 minutes I’ve forgotten all about what they look like.
I know in my mind that this is a genuinely good way to see people – for my own judgment I’ve understood what it is that really matters and I can see the beauty in people, whether they’re shaped like a model, or not.

The thing is I couldn't apply this attitude to myself. I looked in the mirror and saw a fat guy, with crazy hair, spots, man boobs, my clothes don’t fit right – I don’t look right.
I expected people to be as critical of me as I was of myself. Expecting girls not to find me attractive because I don’t find myself attractive.

The bizarre thing is I have absolutely no will power for doing something about it. There’s no connection between my sense of self image and my rational thinking mind. I think – yes, I’d quite like to eat more healthy, get a bit more exercise, drink less… but somehow I can’t get my head in the right place to actually do it. That said I eat very healthily these days – stacks of salad, only good quality meat and vegetables…

I think the thing I have to accept is that on a deeper level I think I am quite happy with who I am – I’m quite fit ( considering I’m a bit overweight) certainly fit enough to do everything I want to do and have plenty of energy for all of it. I'm a big guy, 6 ft tall, I used to play rugby at school and my shape hasn't really changed all that much since then.

The thing is shouldn’t I be finding someone that’s not overly concerned with the outward appearance anyway? Fundamentally if they’re not looking any deeper than that they’re never going to notice the things that make me special, and if a stunning body is all they’ve got to bring to the party then my interest isn’t going to last very long either.

The question of self image and self esteem has come up in several places for me this week. Conversations with various friends about their issues got me thinking about my own state of mind. It's a big subject, with many levels, but these are some of the things I have come to understand:

There are many different kinds of self esteem. you can be generally very confident, functional and have a strong ability to project your confidence and value in one circumstance but then become a lonely wall flower in another.

A good example of this is around sex - I know someone who is outwardly very self assured and confident, she's gorgeous, but has a low sense of sexual self esteem - she feels herself to be relatively inexperienced for her age, and has quite a lot of insecurity and fear around sex, so finds it very hard to relax fully. As a result she considers herself to be very hard work, and has become I think quite disillusioned with her expectations of what she can achieve.

Another good friend finds themselves feeling awkward and paranoid in social situations - finds it very difficult to talk to people and make conversation. Even though she's got a beautiful personality she struggles to let it show.

I think that helping the situation when these sorts of issues is crucial. I'm generally drawn to people who I can help in one way or another - probably not the most helpful long term tactic for myself, but it is the case. I suppose I'm a strong and effective person, and I feel compelled to help others when I can.
These sorts of issues can be devastating to the long term happiness in peoples lives and sometimes just being there with someone in their head space and making sure they know everything is okay is enough to get them able to pick themselves up. I know now that you can't fix people, the only person who can fix you is yourself, but having friends who understand you is key - its like having a ladder to walk up - each step you take up the ladder is your own work, but the step is connected to the ground and connected to the top by the ladder. a friend, counselor or mentor will make every step you take solid by validating your feelings and experience, easing your self doubt and empowering you to move on up the ladder.

I suppose this is a process that I've been through myself in the last few months. Being strong and self assured as I am I'm surprised when I look back at how my own sexual self esteem was actually desperately low. I had a high sex drive but really was racked by a sense of inadequacy, inexperience and lack of self belief. It actually only took one person to really just totally accept me and it felt like I'd righted a capsized boat. I found a new confidence and ability to relax around sex that I'd never had before. Many of these realizations about love and relationships and new understanding of what needs and desires are about that I've been blogging for the last 3 months came along as well, new wisdom, new energy.

Sometimes when I know someone I can see them as they are, but I can also see them as they might be. I think my tendency is to see people in their best light, or in the light of their potential as an individual. I suppose in some ways this is a something of a counseling instinct, perhaps it would make me a good father, or perhaps its a weakness, allowing me to act upon judgments that are irrationally optimistic or biased. However for the two friends I mentioned I can see how they would be if they were set free and empowered to overcome their demons.

For the first I can see how the joie de vivre that she expresses in the rest of her life would translate to her passion and love life, and in some sense perhaps moving into the next phase of her life would be facilitated in a much more satisfactory way than it might otherwise - at some point perhaps she may want to have children and settle down with a partner, but if her inner obstacles get in the way she might be forced to make compromises that she needn't make. In addition I can see how empowerment and self confidence sexually would spill over into the rest of her life.
For the other I can see how she would be like a bird released - her natural charm and good heart would be infectious and she would actually brighten up many peoples lives. She's young, and much of this will happen in due course I'm sure, as she matures into her 20's, but how fast she finds her power now will have knock on effects for the rest of her life, good or bad. She's entering a phase of her life when opportunities will come her way thick and fast.

For myself then I am deciding to own up to the fact that I'm overly self critical, and really I should not worry about how I look. I am attractive, I am lovable and sexy. I am pretty sexually uninhibited, and I love living life to the maximum. I might not have toned abs or a perfect tan, but I'm energetic, imaginative and sensitive, and I come to realize that those things make me just as attractive to the right sort of woman.

Also, and I don't know if its related to this shift in self image, but I'm slowly getting closer to the idea of having a relationship again, albeit not in a hurry, but I am more comfortable that I am a whole person again. Whereas I was something of a wounded animal 6 months ago now I am much more healed. Perhaps there's a few scars but at least the wounds are closed.

Perhaps its time I went back and had a look over the relationship checklist to see if I might change anything now. Perhaps I'll make that my next blog entry?

As usual, all feedback very welcome and comments appreciated.