The Great Self Reinvention Checklist!!

The great self reinvention checklist!

So I 've been aware for a little while now that there's a full stop approaching in my life. A piece of punctuation, which will mark the end of one statement and the start of another. I don't know quite how this is going to work, but I have a profound sense of inevitability, and I know that whilst it might take a painful or disturbing form it will possibly be the making of me. I've grown conscious of how some parts of my life are ruled by parts of my personality which I can't understand anymore and feel like they're out of control. My behavior around food, money, my health, my environment - I can see is quite irrational and unhealthy. Years of putting off facing myself, and confronting my demons has meant that now I'm looking at a cliff edge, which if I don't change my attitudes and behavior radically, and quickly, will mean I have to abandon my hopes and dreams and chuck them off the cliff, or just throw myself off.
I have to light a fire in my soul. I have to burn the forest in my mind down. Clear the dead trees and scorch the ground to make it fertile again. I feel like dying and being reborn. I feel like I'm flying a plane, and what I have to do is turn my plane towards the ground - because the ground looks big and scary - but really its only paper thin. If I can believe that I'll smash straight through it and into the free open space beyond - but if I loose my nerve and pull up, or forget that its only paper thin then it will destroy me or leave me stuck here indefinitely.

So beyond all the raw feelings and and emotive imagery there's a real question to be considered here:
How do I take absolute control of myself? Its lack of self control that has lead me where I am. I have no internal discipline. My natural tendency is to flow through my life like a river - It's I suppose a typical Pisces trait, which I am - which makes me supposedly a creative, intuitive, emotional person, who loves to show off and is bad with money - shit I think that just about covers it, yes!
The ultimate goal is to realize my true desires in life. In order to put myself into the life I need to live in order to do that I have to take control of my mind and achieve several key life changes all at the same time. Not a small challenge.

So what are the main things that are going to have to change?
1) finances. I have a mountain of debt, and more to come. My finances are a mess. When the flat sale eventually happens the negative equity will land as well. The solutions to this problem are either a) spend the next 15 years stuck in my office job, living at my dads, servicing an enormous monthly repayment b) a radical step change in my income c)some kind of windfall (highly unlikely) d) bankruptsy or IVA - I like option B the best, although I haven't got a plan yet.
2) Health & fitness. I'm now about 2 stone overweight. I am obese. FUCK that.
3) Physical environment. I live in my Dads loft at the moment. I'm welcome to stay here as long as I need to. Only problem is I've always thrived on independence, so this is like a very comfortable prison. Also I'm messy and disorganized to about the furthest extent imaginable, which is a clear reflection of the chaos in my mind.
Most of these things are the result of habits I acquired as a teenager and have never been able to revise - whimsical spending, indulgent over eating and always eating the wrong things, total lack of regard for organization of my living space - I just keep everything everywhere. etc etc.
So how do I even begin to implement self discipline? - having never had any imposed on me from outside in my life - having always done exactly what I like all the time?
If I don't get a grip on it I'll end up fat, poor & unhappy, leading an unfulfilling and lonely life out of my dads loft, living like a pig in a chaotic mess. The good grace that my emotionally traumatized state afforded me 6 months ago will expire and external pressures to make something happen will built up. Eventually I'll end up out of work and bankrupt, causing grief to my family and friends, sinking into depression and poor health. They'll say ' Its a shame how Dicky ended up. We thought he was going somewhere'

............*Sigh*


............*Spin*



............*Click*







...........*BANG*



















Then I have to look at it again. there's more to making changes than just identifying the things you want to kill off about yourself. Actually I'm starting to realize that its as much about identifying the things you want to grow, or introduce that punctuate and fulfill your life. My way forward from this moment of truth is to specify all the things that I do want to be, and remember that I'll only get there if I can burn up those dead trees in my mind.

So what does the list of 'will be's' look like?

1) First and foremost I am a musician. I've built much of my life around the music that I make, but always lacked that ultimate commitment that I need in order to make it real. For this I need to work out exactly the musician I want to be and start being it. I've got the energy, I've got the talent, I'd have the look if I sorted my eating habits out and lost some weight, did a little exercise and took a bit more care of myself. All simple self respect stuff really, although I always thought I had loads of this the evidence would suggest otherwise. Think I need to look hard at this one.
I also need to be honest with myself and admit that I am a rock guy. I'm not an indie guy, and I never have been. I need to stop compromising and be direct in what I'm doing - play the music that drives me crazy and takes me over when I play it. When it's right it should feel like I'm channeling a demon. I know this - I've touched it before. Got to pull it right out and make it real.
2) I need to start getting an income from my music. Whether that involves writing, teaching, playing sessions, playing covers, busking, depping, or whatever - I need to start doing it all. I can't totally commit myself to the goal unless I can free up my time, and that might mean changing my work pattern. For this I'll need to actively manage my finances, and myself like a business - I absolutely cannot achieve this with my current attitude to money.
3) I have the opportunity to study - perhaps to go to music college, or something else music related. Whilst I'm living with my dad this is available to me, as I'm not paying any rent here. In theory I could afford to live on much less income once the flat sale goes through - depending on how I structure the resulting debt - investigation yet to be done on that front. This would however require me to organize my space and time around study and make my living area into somewhere I can work in.
4) I want to make more time in my life for the recreational things I aspire to - I want to surf more, I want to travel, I want to ride a motorcycle, not all the time, but I want to do it. I want to see more bands - I think I've been to about 3 gigs in the last year. All of these goals are going to need me to plan out my finances much more carefully and get a grip on myself.

There are a couple more points of consideration under the category of motivations for change:
5) I'm aware that the clock is ticking. I've just turned 29. I've got to speed up and get moving fast if I want to continue to believe that it's not too late to make something of myself.
6) If I don't get my act together I'm going to be letting down all the people who believe in me. My family, my close friends, everyone who's supported me along the way so far. Most crucially I'll also be letting down myself.

Its time to light the fuse.

So how does this relate to all the other posts about sex and passion? well its all part and parcel. The things that drive me are my passions - they are the fires which I need to harness to get my Forrest blazing. All those points about how passion feels in the act of love actually also apply to the rest of life. Playing music is a passionate expression - I want the audience to feel how I feel when I play, and I want to feel them feeling me. Every moment is pure gold fi you can allow yourself to be in the moment, and not be worrying about getting to the end of the song, to the end of the gig, or to the guitar solo!
I can apply the same philosophy to the rest of it as well. I can't hide from the pain of change - I've got to face it, feel it, and revel in it.
Secondly if I want to enjoy the love life I aspire to I want to be bringing myself to that relationship as the person I want to be - you can't truly love someone else until you can love yourself. Plus I can't allow myself to fall into a real relationship until after this process has happened, because it would be unfair to expect someone else to ride through these emotional battles with me, not to mention the effect it would have on the relationship. This is a path I must walk alone. This guy has to die - so I don't want someone falling in love with me now - that will only ultimately slow me down and make the process even harder to go through.

Questions for the floor: Do I sound like a crazy sonofabitch or does any of this shit make sense??!