Return of the Emotional Ninja!

So now I've been having this very exciting and fast burning relationship with a girl I met at the start of the month. Absolutely the perfect thing for me at this point in my life. I wasn't expecting it, I wasn't looking for it, but sometimes these things just land in your lap. So many things in common - uncannily so, and some of the most fantastic sex of my life.
Well its poetic really, because its had a time limit from the word go - she's not from England and she's returning home permanently next week. This meant that from the first meeting the agenda was clear - we would have as much fun as we could for 3 weeks and then that would be that - she would return to her life and I would get on with mine, both of us hopefully enriched and invigorated by the whole experience. I think that's pretty much whats happened as it goes - I feel good about myself, I've made a new close friend - because I'm under no illusion that our sexual relationship has any real future, but she's someone I would easily maintain a close friendship with regardless of that because she's such a cool person.

Learned something new about myself last week too. I was a silly bastard and told her that I love her. I realize now though that its not silly bastard behavior if its coming from the right place. I'm not for a minute trying to make her change her plan and stay, I just wanted to express what was in my heart and confirm for her - in case she was in any doubt - that yes, this had been a significant and very positive experience in my life, and that I appreciate all that she is.

It also brings me back to the old debate - that I'm sure will continue for my whole life - of what does love mean? what is it?
Surely there are many kinds of love; (ok I'll do ANOTHER checklist!!)

1) There's the love that rages between passionate lovers, a visceral, tangible physical sensation in the body, which yearns and aches for the other. This feeling is probably better described as infatuation.
2) Then there's the slow burning, ever deepening respect that two people who've managed to go on loving each other their whole lives have for each other. This is not much different to the feeling that long time close friends have for each other.
3) There's also that kind of love when you feel someone completes you and makes you feel safe - this one I have an issue with because I feel its more akin to need than love. Its amazing how much you feel close to someone who fulfills your emotional neediness, but often this dynamic can be quite separate from love, and one should take care to differentiate.
4) I think that ultimately you can only truly love someone properly if you can honestly say that you don't need them. If you don't need them - their support, their money, their companionship - you just enjoy being with them because you love them, this is honest love. And its quite simple - not a torrid conflagration of romantic overtures, not a co-dependency or a web of emotional hooks, just mutual respect, and a shared joy in togetherness.

So what was it I meant when I said it to her ( or texted - more accurately! Sorry, childish I know - I did say I was a silly bastard!!) -- well really only that I could feel the potential for the latter. It was rather vague actually - more that I know I was feeling something strong and it was more than just a friendly 'I like you' but far too soon to identify in more precise detail. Its fair to say that if it wasn't basically over before it started I would have taken everything much more slowly - a relationship which lights up and burns as fast as this one is destined to fizzle out as quick as it began, which in this case was as I said before - the plan!

So I'm getting in and out of what feels like a relationship in record time - like some kind of emotional ninja! I honestly think though that I haven't acted foolishly expressing myself like that. I've got myself in a world of pain in the past because I contained my feelings and shared them with no-one. I know now that for my own happiness and everyone else's I have to just be totally straight with people about what I'm thinking and feeling.
Also before you express your feelings they feel bottled up - like a boiling kettle wanting to whistle. If I'd been sensible and said nothing I would have said goodbye to her and then felt really sad, because I'd not expressed myself and the moment would then have passed. This way even if its the worst possible thing I could have done and she never wants to speak to me again because its too complicated now, I'm back in my neutral space - I can happily say that it started, went on, and ended in a way I'm happy and proud about. No deception, no hard feelings, lots of respect, love and great sex! Lesson well learned I feel.

Be careful what you wish for!!

So I've occasionally been told this glib truism - be careful what you wish for, you might just get it... Well on new years eve I met a girl, really nice girl, just my type appearance wise, totally into me - and I guess I can't help it - I'm totally into her too! whoa there Nelly... haven't I just liberated myself from a long term relationship? whats the game plan here? To be honest I've not got one. I don't think I'm quite ready for another relationship, but on the other hand this girl seems to tick all the boxes on my list (see previous post - the Great Relationship Checklist) so what should I do?

Well as it happens I think the universe is just toying with me - she's from SA (ok I've got previous with South Africans - but what the hey!), and already has a firm plan to return there in 3 weeks time, flight arranged etc. She's been living and working here for a year, and had always planned to go back on that date in 3 weeks - so this is just a fling before she goes home - at least I think that's whats going on. Hard to say - we really do click well. Its actually not been very often that I've met someone with whom I have so much in common, and even less often that they like me too.

So I guess all things considered she would have to classify as a f**k buddy - reasoning: due to the artificial brevity of our liaison I'm approaching it with the attitude of - lets have as much great sex as possible before you go back to Africa and then that's it - it was lovely meeting you; where as if there was the possibility that it might be a proper relationship budding here I would definitely be taking it much slower. I'd have to say for the record though that she is someone I could have had a real relationship with under different circumstances.

So at the end of the day I'll have to settle for some great sex and happy memories. (And boy is it great!)

Going back to the truism - I think its quite amusing that I put up my relationship wish list on December 30th and met this girl on the 31st! And it just proves the other point I made about if you don't specify something you probably won't get it - So my wish list needs revising to include "is single and available for a relationship" !

If this blog is really like a direct line to the universal spirit and anything I ask for I will get: then I would say the best outcome of this would be that in 6 to 9 months time she decides that she'd rather live in England after all and come back ; then we could start over again and take it real slow. Cheers God ;)

P.S. I've known her 10 days and already I've written a song about her! Sad eh? but there's nothing like a really stimulating situation to get the creative juices flowing. Thinking I'll try and record it and give her it on CD when she leaves - as a souvenir.

The Great F**k Buddy Checklist!

So having carefully considered and proscribed the list of qualities required in the perfect woman its easy now to just sit back and wait for her to arrive in my life - blissful in the knowledge that no-one short of an angel will ever be able to steal my heart now that I have laid down the rules! Of course I'm perfect in every way, and live up to all those ideals myself - naturally!

After sucking on the helium balloon of idealism one has to take a few big breaths from the oxygen mask of realism and come down to earth. I realize that I'm a fairly energetic young man, brimming with ideas and new plans, I seem to be terminally horny and craving for intimacy and company, but at the same time feeling very happy with my new found state of singleness - what’s a guy to do?

I've never been one for going out on the pull and having one night stands. Never done it. Really don't get excited by the idea of having sex with someone who I don't even know if I actually like, and then never finding out either way. Something in my sense of self respect feels like I’m being cheated, or cheapened, or just short changing myself.

There’s another way round this - which is hooking up with a f**k buddy, for anyone who’s not entirely clear what that means its when you are ‘friends with benefits’ or, in other words adding a casual sexual dimension to a regular friendship. There are two kinds - f**k buddies you meet as a 1 night stand and turn into a regular, or people who have been friends for a time before who you fancy and want to sleep with. The first kind is easy to manage. there's really nothing complicated about that at all. The second is a bit more tricky and has often been cited as a really great way to f**k up a perfectly good friendship, but I can say with conviction that this is not necessarily the case as I have recently found out!

Its all really down to how emotionally mature you both are able to be about it, and how much self control you have.

In my recent experience of this it so happened that I had a semi regular sexual thing with someone who had been a pretty close friend, and then after a few weeks went right back to being close friends again. No pain, no trauma, no apologies, no regrets, no emotional hangover…

So here’s how it works:
1) You and your friend are able to discuss sex frankly and have a shared understanding around it.
2) You are able to openly discuss the fact that you don’t want a relationship. And both agree. If one party really wants to be serious then its going to end badly. It helps if there’s some practical reason why its not possible for you to have a proper relationship – this makes it easy to keep it simple.
3) You both are emotionally self aware enough and honest enough to discuss your real feelings around the situation, and explore with each other in an atmosphere of mutual love and respect.
4) Remember it is possible to love someone exactly the way you love a close friend, whilst not actually being in love with them. Remember this distinction - its very important. When you have sex you make love, and be as loving and passionate as you like, but its sharing love with a good friend, in the same way you might share a really good laugh.
5) Be self monitoring – don’t allow your own neediness to come into it. Treat your friend with the same respect you always did, and when it’s over let it go without a struggle – remember it’s the friendship that you want to keep, nothing else.
6) Don't tell all your mates about it.

QUESTION FOR THE FLOOR: Anything crucial I've missed here? Whilst this advise is great for me it might be totally different for someone else... does this fit in with anyone else's experiences? Or have you got an example of when it went horribly wrong?

Happy new year y'all!