Ok, I’m over it. I think.
Been around a little emotional Catharine wheel in the last few weeks. Headfuck city. For some un explicable reason I lost control of my emotional state with regards to one of my closest friends. While my rational mind never thought there was anything other than the stable, regular dynamics of our rather flirty, rather physical, but essentially platonic friendship, inside I tripped and fell into a hole. My body was going through all the physical effects of being in love.
Felt like a total prick while this was going on too, because so many times I was inches away from doing something stupid and creating a difficult situation in our friendship, every time pulled back by my rational will power.
So what are you meant to do in that situation? I contemplated breaking it off for a few weeks, hiding away until my feelings sorted themselves out. I couldn’t face that idea because at the point at which she said – ‘why are you avoiding me?’ I’d have ended up spilling my guts and making a bigger prick out of myself than before. I contemplated going down the ‘tell her everything, hope she feels the same’ route. In my little fantasy it all goes great and we live happily ever after…aaaah! ^slap^ wake up!
But seriously I don’t need to go there – I know exactly how she feels. Sure she loves me very much, but not like that thanks very much. The silly thing is that that’s all I felt for ages, and I was and still am perfectly happy with that.
It was just one conversation.
Nothing epic, just something little that set off the alchemy inside me. It was something I said and she replied, and we were remembering a hard time we’d both been through separately, but in the moment I felt and remembered how much I’d thought of her, missed her…
When I was at the darkest time of my life I’d cling in my mind to the images of absent friends, the idea that they were somewhere else not feeling as bad and alone as me gave me hope and comfort. She was one of them. At about the same time I now know she was going through a similarly painful part of her life at more or less the same time. And it was when she told me about how much she’d thought of me when she was going through all that – It pulled all the intensity of emotion I’d felt at that time into the present. As if this darkest moment was something we’d shared somehow. So in my memory I wasn’t so alone as I thought – she’d been there with me.
I felt a bond in that moment like nothing I’ve felt in years.
It took a day or so for this to sink in properly. I went home, slept (we’d been up all night talking) woke up and thought ‘fuck!…She’s done me!’ I had a scary new feeling, like my heart felt wide open, and tender like a wound. For the next few days I went in circles around elation, excitement, agitation, fear, joy, confusion… Just like being bang in love with someone. All the time in my head I was saying ‘chill, let it pass’ but totally aware that I’d lost all control of my feelings for her.
Well at least I now know I’m human! I’ve been feeling my feelings like I’ve not been able to in years. I was quite blocked up and now it’s all flowing a bit more. Silly thing is I feel much more vulnerable than I did before. I’m scared to allow myself to get too close to people in case I find my self falling for them, out of control like some teenage train wreck!
So how am I able to now claim to be past it? Have I buried my heart again? Deep down so no one can find it? No I haven’t. I have however thought more about what it was that sent me off on that little journey, about the conversation and what it meant to me. I can’t quite understand why that feeling of comfort in my darkest moments translated into physical love in the present moment. Surely that should just make her a better friend than before? I guess it refers back to a point I expressed some time ago – proves it to me actually – whilst before it was a hypothesis, now its clearly a fact: that there is only really one kind of love. Love is the same whether it’s a close friend, lover, brother, sister, teacher, child… the things that differentiate these relationships from each other are other things – other dynamics or social contracts which specify the parameters around which the relationship functions, but where there is love, actually the love is the same whatever the relationship. Between a close friend and a lover, or a long term partner, soul mate etc. the only difference is the physical attraction and interaction of sex, lust, passion, intimacy…that includes kisses and hugs, not just fucking… the love part of it is just the same as a deep friendship.
So I suppose the answer is that for me no one had felt that close to me for a very long time – and that was an intense passionate love full of lust and hunger, an animal interaction, which opened my heart and mind up and fed my soul to bursting. I guess when you get that deep into my psyche that’s what you find. The heart of my manhood. The center of my emotional body. The place where animal instinct takes over.
Its only my neediness that complicates everything. In that deep place the need kicks in. Its an inner child thing. The need for security around that most vulnerable feeling. The need turns a wonderful deep moment into a ‘this must last forever’ moment. Make me want to put it in my pocket and keep it safe, so it’ll last as long as possible. The thing is I know very well that that’s not how it works in the real world, and that that mode of thought is pure need, nothing else.
upon understanding this the need has no power over me any more.
So I change a few things. My hair, my diet, stop drinking or a while, I went on a grape fast, dig out a couple of old books that have helped me clear my head in the past. Just change my emotional scenery a little. Pop the bubble I’ve found my head in.
The lesson I’ve learned here? Not to allow the clingy insecurity that goes along with those deep emotions to have a say in my thinking. I see it for what it is. Yes, I found her inside me, and now I let her out again. No strings attached. No cost to pay, nothing owing. I know for many people that deep intimacy comes at a high price. Only when there’s commitment, promises, hooks and strings attached do those doors open voluntarily. Well not me, not this time anyway.
I know myself better now, and I respect her far too much to make something more out of this than there really is.
So I’m over the emotional Catherine wheel. I still love her, of course I do. Always will. But the Genii is back in its bottle. I’m settled on another plateau of friendship. Its deeper than it was before, that’s all.
An Afterthought……
I had a lovely dream a couple of weeks ago where I was having a conversation with our two children!
Ok, so my subconscious has decided I’m having kids with her.
I promise I will get a grip one of these days!!
Monday, 10 May 2010
Sunday, 28 March 2010
The Self Esteem Checklist
I have recently noticed a dichotomy in my self between the way I think about my self, the values I uphold and apply to others, and my sense of self image. This is a weird one – so bear with me…
When I look at girls and evaluate their attractiveness I don’t particularly differentiate between slim, average size, and overweight. I must confess if someone is painfully skinny, or morbidly obese I find that less than attractive, but anywhere in between those states is pretty much the same in my eyes, as long as the person is physically confident, feels good about who they are and has an attractive personality. That’s what I really find attractive about someone – whatever they look like, if their personality is exciting and attractive and sexy then in about 5 minutes I’ve forgotten all about what they look like.
I know in my mind that this is a genuinely good way to see people – for my own judgment I’ve understood what it is that really matters and I can see the beauty in people, whether they’re shaped like a model, or not.
The thing is I couldn't apply this attitude to myself. I looked in the mirror and saw a fat guy, with crazy hair, spots, man boobs, my clothes don’t fit right – I don’t look right.
I expected people to be as critical of me as I was of myself. Expecting girls not to find me attractive because I don’t find myself attractive.
The bizarre thing is I have absolutely no will power for doing something about it. There’s no connection between my sense of self image and my rational thinking mind. I think – yes, I’d quite like to eat more healthy, get a bit more exercise, drink less… but somehow I can’t get my head in the right place to actually do it. That said I eat very healthily these days – stacks of salad, only good quality meat and vegetables…
I think the thing I have to accept is that on a deeper level I think I am quite happy with who I am – I’m quite fit ( considering I’m a bit overweight) certainly fit enough to do everything I want to do and have plenty of energy for all of it. I'm a big guy, 6 ft tall, I used to play rugby at school and my shape hasn't really changed all that much since then.
The thing is shouldn’t I be finding someone that’s not overly concerned with the outward appearance anyway? Fundamentally if they’re not looking any deeper than that they’re never going to notice the things that make me special, and if a stunning body is all they’ve got to bring to the party then my interest isn’t going to last very long either.
The question of self image and self esteem has come up in several places for me this week. Conversations with various friends about their issues got me thinking about my own state of mind. It's a big subject, with many levels, but these are some of the things I have come to understand:
There are many different kinds of self esteem. you can be generally very confident, functional and have a strong ability to project your confidence and value in one circumstance but then become a lonely wall flower in another.
A good example of this is around sex - I know someone who is outwardly very self assured and confident, she's gorgeous, but has a low sense of sexual self esteem - she feels herself to be relatively inexperienced for her age, and has quite a lot of insecurity and fear around sex, so finds it very hard to relax fully. As a result she considers herself to be very hard work, and has become I think quite disillusioned with her expectations of what she can achieve.
Another good friend finds themselves feeling awkward and paranoid in social situations - finds it very difficult to talk to people and make conversation. Even though she's got a beautiful personality she struggles to let it show.
I think that helping the situation when these sorts of issues is crucial. I'm generally drawn to people who I can help in one way or another - probably not the most helpful long term tactic for myself, but it is the case. I suppose I'm a strong and effective person, and I feel compelled to help others when I can.
These sorts of issues can be devastating to the long term happiness in peoples lives and sometimes just being there with someone in their head space and making sure they know everything is okay is enough to get them able to pick themselves up. I know now that you can't fix people, the only person who can fix you is yourself, but having friends who understand you is key - its like having a ladder to walk up - each step you take up the ladder is your own work, but the step is connected to the ground and connected to the top by the ladder. a friend, counselor or mentor will make every step you take solid by validating your feelings and experience, easing your self doubt and empowering you to move on up the ladder.
I suppose this is a process that I've been through myself in the last few months. Being strong and self assured as I am I'm surprised when I look back at how my own sexual self esteem was actually desperately low. I had a high sex drive but really was racked by a sense of inadequacy, inexperience and lack of self belief. It actually only took one person to really just totally accept me and it felt like I'd righted a capsized boat. I found a new confidence and ability to relax around sex that I'd never had before. Many of these realizations about love and relationships and new understanding of what needs and desires are about that I've been blogging for the last 3 months came along as well, new wisdom, new energy.
Sometimes when I know someone I can see them as they are, but I can also see them as they might be. I think my tendency is to see people in their best light, or in the light of their potential as an individual. I suppose in some ways this is a something of a counseling instinct, perhaps it would make me a good father, or perhaps its a weakness, allowing me to act upon judgments that are irrationally optimistic or biased. However for the two friends I mentioned I can see how they would be if they were set free and empowered to overcome their demons.
For the first I can see how the joie de vivre that she expresses in the rest of her life would translate to her passion and love life, and in some sense perhaps moving into the next phase of her life would be facilitated in a much more satisfactory way than it might otherwise - at some point perhaps she may want to have children and settle down with a partner, but if her inner obstacles get in the way she might be forced to make compromises that she needn't make. In addition I can see how empowerment and self confidence sexually would spill over into the rest of her life.
For the other I can see how she would be like a bird released - her natural charm and good heart would be infectious and she would actually brighten up many peoples lives. She's young, and much of this will happen in due course I'm sure, as she matures into her 20's, but how fast she finds her power now will have knock on effects for the rest of her life, good or bad. She's entering a phase of her life when opportunities will come her way thick and fast.
For myself then I am deciding to own up to the fact that I'm overly self critical, and really I should not worry about how I look. I am attractive, I am lovable and sexy. I am pretty sexually uninhibited, and I love living life to the maximum. I might not have toned abs or a perfect tan, but I'm energetic, imaginative and sensitive, and I come to realize that those things make me just as attractive to the right sort of woman.
Also, and I don't know if its related to this shift in self image, but I'm slowly getting closer to the idea of having a relationship again, albeit not in a hurry, but I am more comfortable that I am a whole person again. Whereas I was something of a wounded animal 6 months ago now I am much more healed. Perhaps there's a few scars but at least the wounds are closed.
Perhaps its time I went back and had a look over the relationship checklist to see if I might change anything now. Perhaps I'll make that my next blog entry?
As usual, all feedback very welcome and comments appreciated.
When I look at girls and evaluate their attractiveness I don’t particularly differentiate between slim, average size, and overweight. I must confess if someone is painfully skinny, or morbidly obese I find that less than attractive, but anywhere in between those states is pretty much the same in my eyes, as long as the person is physically confident, feels good about who they are and has an attractive personality. That’s what I really find attractive about someone – whatever they look like, if their personality is exciting and attractive and sexy then in about 5 minutes I’ve forgotten all about what they look like.
I know in my mind that this is a genuinely good way to see people – for my own judgment I’ve understood what it is that really matters and I can see the beauty in people, whether they’re shaped like a model, or not.
The thing is I couldn't apply this attitude to myself. I looked in the mirror and saw a fat guy, with crazy hair, spots, man boobs, my clothes don’t fit right – I don’t look right.
I expected people to be as critical of me as I was of myself. Expecting girls not to find me attractive because I don’t find myself attractive.
The bizarre thing is I have absolutely no will power for doing something about it. There’s no connection between my sense of self image and my rational thinking mind. I think – yes, I’d quite like to eat more healthy, get a bit more exercise, drink less… but somehow I can’t get my head in the right place to actually do it. That said I eat very healthily these days – stacks of salad, only good quality meat and vegetables…
I think the thing I have to accept is that on a deeper level I think I am quite happy with who I am – I’m quite fit ( considering I’m a bit overweight) certainly fit enough to do everything I want to do and have plenty of energy for all of it. I'm a big guy, 6 ft tall, I used to play rugby at school and my shape hasn't really changed all that much since then.
The thing is shouldn’t I be finding someone that’s not overly concerned with the outward appearance anyway? Fundamentally if they’re not looking any deeper than that they’re never going to notice the things that make me special, and if a stunning body is all they’ve got to bring to the party then my interest isn’t going to last very long either.
The question of self image and self esteem has come up in several places for me this week. Conversations with various friends about their issues got me thinking about my own state of mind. It's a big subject, with many levels, but these are some of the things I have come to understand:
There are many different kinds of self esteem. you can be generally very confident, functional and have a strong ability to project your confidence and value in one circumstance but then become a lonely wall flower in another.
A good example of this is around sex - I know someone who is outwardly very self assured and confident, she's gorgeous, but has a low sense of sexual self esteem - she feels herself to be relatively inexperienced for her age, and has quite a lot of insecurity and fear around sex, so finds it very hard to relax fully. As a result she considers herself to be very hard work, and has become I think quite disillusioned with her expectations of what she can achieve.
Another good friend finds themselves feeling awkward and paranoid in social situations - finds it very difficult to talk to people and make conversation. Even though she's got a beautiful personality she struggles to let it show.
I think that helping the situation when these sorts of issues is crucial. I'm generally drawn to people who I can help in one way or another - probably not the most helpful long term tactic for myself, but it is the case. I suppose I'm a strong and effective person, and I feel compelled to help others when I can.
These sorts of issues can be devastating to the long term happiness in peoples lives and sometimes just being there with someone in their head space and making sure they know everything is okay is enough to get them able to pick themselves up. I know now that you can't fix people, the only person who can fix you is yourself, but having friends who understand you is key - its like having a ladder to walk up - each step you take up the ladder is your own work, but the step is connected to the ground and connected to the top by the ladder. a friend, counselor or mentor will make every step you take solid by validating your feelings and experience, easing your self doubt and empowering you to move on up the ladder.
I suppose this is a process that I've been through myself in the last few months. Being strong and self assured as I am I'm surprised when I look back at how my own sexual self esteem was actually desperately low. I had a high sex drive but really was racked by a sense of inadequacy, inexperience and lack of self belief. It actually only took one person to really just totally accept me and it felt like I'd righted a capsized boat. I found a new confidence and ability to relax around sex that I'd never had before. Many of these realizations about love and relationships and new understanding of what needs and desires are about that I've been blogging for the last 3 months came along as well, new wisdom, new energy.
Sometimes when I know someone I can see them as they are, but I can also see them as they might be. I think my tendency is to see people in their best light, or in the light of their potential as an individual. I suppose in some ways this is a something of a counseling instinct, perhaps it would make me a good father, or perhaps its a weakness, allowing me to act upon judgments that are irrationally optimistic or biased. However for the two friends I mentioned I can see how they would be if they were set free and empowered to overcome their demons.
For the first I can see how the joie de vivre that she expresses in the rest of her life would translate to her passion and love life, and in some sense perhaps moving into the next phase of her life would be facilitated in a much more satisfactory way than it might otherwise - at some point perhaps she may want to have children and settle down with a partner, but if her inner obstacles get in the way she might be forced to make compromises that she needn't make. In addition I can see how empowerment and self confidence sexually would spill over into the rest of her life.
For the other I can see how she would be like a bird released - her natural charm and good heart would be infectious and she would actually brighten up many peoples lives. She's young, and much of this will happen in due course I'm sure, as she matures into her 20's, but how fast she finds her power now will have knock on effects for the rest of her life, good or bad. She's entering a phase of her life when opportunities will come her way thick and fast.
For myself then I am deciding to own up to the fact that I'm overly self critical, and really I should not worry about how I look. I am attractive, I am lovable and sexy. I am pretty sexually uninhibited, and I love living life to the maximum. I might not have toned abs or a perfect tan, but I'm energetic, imaginative and sensitive, and I come to realize that those things make me just as attractive to the right sort of woman.
Also, and I don't know if its related to this shift in self image, but I'm slowly getting closer to the idea of having a relationship again, albeit not in a hurry, but I am more comfortable that I am a whole person again. Whereas I was something of a wounded animal 6 months ago now I am much more healed. Perhaps there's a few scars but at least the wounds are closed.
Perhaps its time I went back and had a look over the relationship checklist to see if I might change anything now. Perhaps I'll make that my next blog entry?
As usual, all feedback very welcome and comments appreciated.
Monday, 22 February 2010
The Great Self Reinvention Checklist!!
The great self reinvention checklist!
So I 've been aware for a little while now that there's a full stop approaching in my life. A piece of punctuation, which will mark the end of one statement and the start of another. I don't know quite how this is going to work, but I have a profound sense of inevitability, and I know that whilst it might take a painful or disturbing form it will possibly be the making of me. I've grown conscious of how some parts of my life are ruled by parts of my personality which I can't understand anymore and feel like they're out of control. My behavior around food, money, my health, my environment - I can see is quite irrational and unhealthy. Years of putting off facing myself, and confronting my demons has meant that now I'm looking at a cliff edge, which if I don't change my attitudes and behavior radically, and quickly, will mean I have to abandon my hopes and dreams and chuck them off the cliff, or just throw myself off.
I have to light a fire in my soul. I have to burn the forest in my mind down. Clear the dead trees and scorch the ground to make it fertile again. I feel like dying and being reborn. I feel like I'm flying a plane, and what I have to do is turn my plane towards the ground - because the ground looks big and scary - but really its only paper thin. If I can believe that I'll smash straight through it and into the free open space beyond - but if I loose my nerve and pull up, or forget that its only paper thin then it will destroy me or leave me stuck here indefinitely.
So beyond all the raw feelings and and emotive imagery there's a real question to be considered here:
How do I take absolute control of myself? Its lack of self control that has lead me where I am. I have no internal discipline. My natural tendency is to flow through my life like a river - It's I suppose a typical Pisces trait, which I am - which makes me supposedly a creative, intuitive, emotional person, who loves to show off and is bad with money - shit I think that just about covers it, yes!
The ultimate goal is to realize my true desires in life. In order to put myself into the life I need to live in order to do that I have to take control of my mind and achieve several key life changes all at the same time. Not a small challenge.
So what are the main things that are going to have to change?
1) finances. I have a mountain of debt, and more to come. My finances are a mess. When the flat sale eventually happens the negative equity will land as well. The solutions to this problem are either a) spend the next 15 years stuck in my office job, living at my dads, servicing an enormous monthly repayment b) a radical step change in my income c)some kind of windfall (highly unlikely) d) bankruptsy or IVA - I like option B the best, although I haven't got a plan yet.
2) Health & fitness. I'm now about 2 stone overweight. I am obese. FUCK that.
3) Physical environment. I live in my Dads loft at the moment. I'm welcome to stay here as long as I need to. Only problem is I've always thrived on independence, so this is like a very comfortable prison. Also I'm messy and disorganized to about the furthest extent imaginable, which is a clear reflection of the chaos in my mind.
Most of these things are the result of habits I acquired as a teenager and have never been able to revise - whimsical spending, indulgent over eating and always eating the wrong things, total lack of regard for organization of my living space - I just keep everything everywhere. etc etc.
So how do I even begin to implement self discipline? - having never had any imposed on me from outside in my life - having always done exactly what I like all the time?
If I don't get a grip on it I'll end up fat, poor & unhappy, leading an unfulfilling and lonely life out of my dads loft, living like a pig in a chaotic mess. The good grace that my emotionally traumatized state afforded me 6 months ago will expire and external pressures to make something happen will built up. Eventually I'll end up out of work and bankrupt, causing grief to my family and friends, sinking into depression and poor health. They'll say ' Its a shame how Dicky ended up. We thought he was going somewhere'
............*Sigh*
............*Spin*
............*Click*
...........*BANG*
Then I have to look at it again. there's more to making changes than just identifying the things you want to kill off about yourself. Actually I'm starting to realize that its as much about identifying the things you want to grow, or introduce that punctuate and fulfill your life. My way forward from this moment of truth is to specify all the things that I do want to be, and remember that I'll only get there if I can burn up those dead trees in my mind.
So what does the list of 'will be's' look like?
1) First and foremost I am a musician. I've built much of my life around the music that I make, but always lacked that ultimate commitment that I need in order to make it real. For this I need to work out exactly the musician I want to be and start being it. I've got the energy, I've got the talent, I'd have the look if I sorted my eating habits out and lost some weight, did a little exercise and took a bit more care of myself. All simple self respect stuff really, although I always thought I had loads of this the evidence would suggest otherwise. Think I need to look hard at this one.
I also need to be honest with myself and admit that I am a rock guy. I'm not an indie guy, and I never have been. I need to stop compromising and be direct in what I'm doing - play the music that drives me crazy and takes me over when I play it. When it's right it should feel like I'm channeling a demon. I know this - I've touched it before. Got to pull it right out and make it real.
2) I need to start getting an income from my music. Whether that involves writing, teaching, playing sessions, playing covers, busking, depping, or whatever - I need to start doing it all. I can't totally commit myself to the goal unless I can free up my time, and that might mean changing my work pattern. For this I'll need to actively manage my finances, and myself like a business - I absolutely cannot achieve this with my current attitude to money.
3) I have the opportunity to study - perhaps to go to music college, or something else music related. Whilst I'm living with my dad this is available to me, as I'm not paying any rent here. In theory I could afford to live on much less income once the flat sale goes through - depending on how I structure the resulting debt - investigation yet to be done on that front. This would however require me to organize my space and time around study and make my living area into somewhere I can work in.
4) I want to make more time in my life for the recreational things I aspire to - I want to surf more, I want to travel, I want to ride a motorcycle, not all the time, but I want to do it. I want to see more bands - I think I've been to about 3 gigs in the last year. All of these goals are going to need me to plan out my finances much more carefully and get a grip on myself.
There are a couple more points of consideration under the category of motivations for change:
5) I'm aware that the clock is ticking. I've just turned 29. I've got to speed up and get moving fast if I want to continue to believe that it's not too late to make something of myself.
6) If I don't get my act together I'm going to be letting down all the people who believe in me. My family, my close friends, everyone who's supported me along the way so far. Most crucially I'll also be letting down myself.
Its time to light the fuse.
So how does this relate to all the other posts about sex and passion? well its all part and parcel. The things that drive me are my passions - they are the fires which I need to harness to get my Forrest blazing. All those points about how passion feels in the act of love actually also apply to the rest of life. Playing music is a passionate expression - I want the audience to feel how I feel when I play, and I want to feel them feeling me. Every moment is pure gold fi you can allow yourself to be in the moment, and not be worrying about getting to the end of the song, to the end of the gig, or to the guitar solo!
I can apply the same philosophy to the rest of it as well. I can't hide from the pain of change - I've got to face it, feel it, and revel in it.
Secondly if I want to enjoy the love life I aspire to I want to be bringing myself to that relationship as the person I want to be - you can't truly love someone else until you can love yourself. Plus I can't allow myself to fall into a real relationship until after this process has happened, because it would be unfair to expect someone else to ride through these emotional battles with me, not to mention the effect it would have on the relationship. This is a path I must walk alone. This guy has to die - so I don't want someone falling in love with me now - that will only ultimately slow me down and make the process even harder to go through.
Questions for the floor: Do I sound like a crazy sonofabitch or does any of this shit make sense??!
So I 've been aware for a little while now that there's a full stop approaching in my life. A piece of punctuation, which will mark the end of one statement and the start of another. I don't know quite how this is going to work, but I have a profound sense of inevitability, and I know that whilst it might take a painful or disturbing form it will possibly be the making of me. I've grown conscious of how some parts of my life are ruled by parts of my personality which I can't understand anymore and feel like they're out of control. My behavior around food, money, my health, my environment - I can see is quite irrational and unhealthy. Years of putting off facing myself, and confronting my demons has meant that now I'm looking at a cliff edge, which if I don't change my attitudes and behavior radically, and quickly, will mean I have to abandon my hopes and dreams and chuck them off the cliff, or just throw myself off.
I have to light a fire in my soul. I have to burn the forest in my mind down. Clear the dead trees and scorch the ground to make it fertile again. I feel like dying and being reborn. I feel like I'm flying a plane, and what I have to do is turn my plane towards the ground - because the ground looks big and scary - but really its only paper thin. If I can believe that I'll smash straight through it and into the free open space beyond - but if I loose my nerve and pull up, or forget that its only paper thin then it will destroy me or leave me stuck here indefinitely.
So beyond all the raw feelings and and emotive imagery there's a real question to be considered here:
How do I take absolute control of myself? Its lack of self control that has lead me where I am. I have no internal discipline. My natural tendency is to flow through my life like a river - It's I suppose a typical Pisces trait, which I am - which makes me supposedly a creative, intuitive, emotional person, who loves to show off and is bad with money - shit I think that just about covers it, yes!
The ultimate goal is to realize my true desires in life. In order to put myself into the life I need to live in order to do that I have to take control of my mind and achieve several key life changes all at the same time. Not a small challenge.
So what are the main things that are going to have to change?
1) finances. I have a mountain of debt, and more to come. My finances are a mess. When the flat sale eventually happens the negative equity will land as well. The solutions to this problem are either a) spend the next 15 years stuck in my office job, living at my dads, servicing an enormous monthly repayment b) a radical step change in my income c)some kind of windfall (highly unlikely) d) bankruptsy or IVA - I like option B the best, although I haven't got a plan yet.
2) Health & fitness. I'm now about 2 stone overweight. I am obese. FUCK that.
3) Physical environment. I live in my Dads loft at the moment. I'm welcome to stay here as long as I need to. Only problem is I've always thrived on independence, so this is like a very comfortable prison. Also I'm messy and disorganized to about the furthest extent imaginable, which is a clear reflection of the chaos in my mind.
Most of these things are the result of habits I acquired as a teenager and have never been able to revise - whimsical spending, indulgent over eating and always eating the wrong things, total lack of regard for organization of my living space - I just keep everything everywhere. etc etc.
So how do I even begin to implement self discipline? - having never had any imposed on me from outside in my life - having always done exactly what I like all the time?
If I don't get a grip on it I'll end up fat, poor & unhappy, leading an unfulfilling and lonely life out of my dads loft, living like a pig in a chaotic mess. The good grace that my emotionally traumatized state afforded me 6 months ago will expire and external pressures to make something happen will built up. Eventually I'll end up out of work and bankrupt, causing grief to my family and friends, sinking into depression and poor health. They'll say ' Its a shame how Dicky ended up. We thought he was going somewhere'
............*Sigh*
............*Spin*
............*Click*
...........*BANG*
Then I have to look at it again. there's more to making changes than just identifying the things you want to kill off about yourself. Actually I'm starting to realize that its as much about identifying the things you want to grow, or introduce that punctuate and fulfill your life. My way forward from this moment of truth is to specify all the things that I do want to be, and remember that I'll only get there if I can burn up those dead trees in my mind.
So what does the list of 'will be's' look like?
1) First and foremost I am a musician. I've built much of my life around the music that I make, but always lacked that ultimate commitment that I need in order to make it real. For this I need to work out exactly the musician I want to be and start being it. I've got the energy, I've got the talent, I'd have the look if I sorted my eating habits out and lost some weight, did a little exercise and took a bit more care of myself. All simple self respect stuff really, although I always thought I had loads of this the evidence would suggest otherwise. Think I need to look hard at this one.
I also need to be honest with myself and admit that I am a rock guy. I'm not an indie guy, and I never have been. I need to stop compromising and be direct in what I'm doing - play the music that drives me crazy and takes me over when I play it. When it's right it should feel like I'm channeling a demon. I know this - I've touched it before. Got to pull it right out and make it real.
2) I need to start getting an income from my music. Whether that involves writing, teaching, playing sessions, playing covers, busking, depping, or whatever - I need to start doing it all. I can't totally commit myself to the goal unless I can free up my time, and that might mean changing my work pattern. For this I'll need to actively manage my finances, and myself like a business - I absolutely cannot achieve this with my current attitude to money.
3) I have the opportunity to study - perhaps to go to music college, or something else music related. Whilst I'm living with my dad this is available to me, as I'm not paying any rent here. In theory I could afford to live on much less income once the flat sale goes through - depending on how I structure the resulting debt - investigation yet to be done on that front. This would however require me to organize my space and time around study and make my living area into somewhere I can work in.
4) I want to make more time in my life for the recreational things I aspire to - I want to surf more, I want to travel, I want to ride a motorcycle, not all the time, but I want to do it. I want to see more bands - I think I've been to about 3 gigs in the last year. All of these goals are going to need me to plan out my finances much more carefully and get a grip on myself.
There are a couple more points of consideration under the category of motivations for change:
5) I'm aware that the clock is ticking. I've just turned 29. I've got to speed up and get moving fast if I want to continue to believe that it's not too late to make something of myself.
6) If I don't get my act together I'm going to be letting down all the people who believe in me. My family, my close friends, everyone who's supported me along the way so far. Most crucially I'll also be letting down myself.
Its time to light the fuse.
So how does this relate to all the other posts about sex and passion? well its all part and parcel. The things that drive me are my passions - they are the fires which I need to harness to get my Forrest blazing. All those points about how passion feels in the act of love actually also apply to the rest of life. Playing music is a passionate expression - I want the audience to feel how I feel when I play, and I want to feel them feeling me. Every moment is pure gold fi you can allow yourself to be in the moment, and not be worrying about getting to the end of the song, to the end of the gig, or to the guitar solo!
I can apply the same philosophy to the rest of it as well. I can't hide from the pain of change - I've got to face it, feel it, and revel in it.
Secondly if I want to enjoy the love life I aspire to I want to be bringing myself to that relationship as the person I want to be - you can't truly love someone else until you can love yourself. Plus I can't allow myself to fall into a real relationship until after this process has happened, because it would be unfair to expect someone else to ride through these emotional battles with me, not to mention the effect it would have on the relationship. This is a path I must walk alone. This guy has to die - so I don't want someone falling in love with me now - that will only ultimately slow me down and make the process even harder to go through.
Questions for the floor: Do I sound like a crazy sonofabitch or does any of this shit make sense??!
Tuesday, 16 February 2010
The Great Passion Checklist!
The great Passion Checklist!
So what is passion?
If ever anyone asks me what I look for in the bedroom, or what turns me on the answer is passion. Its the thing I've hungered the longest for in life, and the thing that I'll continue to strive for with any relationship I have. I've had the train of thought running round my head this week about what it is that I define as passion - how to differentiate it from other things.
I guess what it boils down to is two things: first when I make love with you I want to feel you feeling me, and I want you to feel me feeling you. I want to sense your energy - your heartbeat, your breath, want to see and hear and feel and smell you reacting to my touch. want to sense your heart beat speed up or slow down, feel your breath in my ear, or your teeth when you bite my neck. Goosebumps and saliva, fingernails and feathers.
Its not about fast or slow, hard or soft, 20 positions or just the one, although it translates to all of the above.
The other thing that defines it is being in the moment. Too many times in the past I've had sex where its almost been like a strategic exercise - goal orientated - everything is about planning where the next orgasm is coming from and who's having it. Now I understand that when you're really tuned into someone its almost irrelevant whether you cum or not. if your really immersed in someone then the sex is good right now -in this moment, and the next, and the next. Orgasms should be something that you get round to eventually.
The best times just roll from passion to laughter and cuddles and back to passion again, like waves lapping at the beach.
QUESTION: what does passion mean to you? I'm sure its a very personal thing and this is just my perspective, so what would you add to this?
So what is passion?
If ever anyone asks me what I look for in the bedroom, or what turns me on the answer is passion. Its the thing I've hungered the longest for in life, and the thing that I'll continue to strive for with any relationship I have. I've had the train of thought running round my head this week about what it is that I define as passion - how to differentiate it from other things.
I guess what it boils down to is two things: first when I make love with you I want to feel you feeling me, and I want you to feel me feeling you. I want to sense your energy - your heartbeat, your breath, want to see and hear and feel and smell you reacting to my touch. want to sense your heart beat speed up or slow down, feel your breath in my ear, or your teeth when you bite my neck. Goosebumps and saliva, fingernails and feathers.
Its not about fast or slow, hard or soft, 20 positions or just the one, although it translates to all of the above.
The other thing that defines it is being in the moment. Too many times in the past I've had sex where its almost been like a strategic exercise - goal orientated - everything is about planning where the next orgasm is coming from and who's having it. Now I understand that when you're really tuned into someone its almost irrelevant whether you cum or not. if your really immersed in someone then the sex is good right now -in this moment, and the next, and the next. Orgasms should be something that you get round to eventually.
The best times just roll from passion to laughter and cuddles and back to passion again, like waves lapping at the beach.
QUESTION: what does passion mean to you? I'm sure its a very personal thing and this is just my perspective, so what would you add to this?
Tuesday, 26 January 2010
Return of the Emotional Ninja!
So now I've been having this very exciting and fast burning relationship with a girl I met at the start of the month. Absolutely the perfect thing for me at this point in my life. I wasn't expecting it, I wasn't looking for it, but sometimes these things just land in your lap. So many things in common - uncannily so, and some of the most fantastic sex of my life.
Well its poetic really, because its had a time limit from the word go - she's not from England and she's returning home permanently next week. This meant that from the first meeting the agenda was clear - we would have as much fun as we could for 3 weeks and then that would be that - she would return to her life and I would get on with mine, both of us hopefully enriched and invigorated by the whole experience. I think that's pretty much whats happened as it goes - I feel good about myself, I've made a new close friend - because I'm under no illusion that our sexual relationship has any real future, but she's someone I would easily maintain a close friendship with regardless of that because she's such a cool person.
Learned something new about myself last week too. I was a silly bastard and told her that I love her. I realize now though that its not silly bastard behavior if its coming from the right place. I'm not for a minute trying to make her change her plan and stay, I just wanted to express what was in my heart and confirm for her - in case she was in any doubt - that yes, this had been a significant and very positive experience in my life, and that I appreciate all that she is.
It also brings me back to the old debate - that I'm sure will continue for my whole life - of what does love mean? what is it?
Surely there are many kinds of love; (ok I'll do ANOTHER checklist!!)
1) There's the love that rages between passionate lovers, a visceral, tangible physical sensation in the body, which yearns and aches for the other. This feeling is probably better described as infatuation.
2) Then there's the slow burning, ever deepening respect that two people who've managed to go on loving each other their whole lives have for each other. This is not much different to the feeling that long time close friends have for each other.
3) There's also that kind of love when you feel someone completes you and makes you feel safe - this one I have an issue with because I feel its more akin to need than love. Its amazing how much you feel close to someone who fulfills your emotional neediness, but often this dynamic can be quite separate from love, and one should take care to differentiate.
4) I think that ultimately you can only truly love someone properly if you can honestly say that you don't need them. If you don't need them - their support, their money, their companionship - you just enjoy being with them because you love them, this is honest love. And its quite simple - not a torrid conflagration of romantic overtures, not a co-dependency or a web of emotional hooks, just mutual respect, and a shared joy in togetherness.
So what was it I meant when I said it to her ( or texted - more accurately! Sorry, childish I know - I did say I was a silly bastard!!) -- well really only that I could feel the potential for the latter. It was rather vague actually - more that I know I was feeling something strong and it was more than just a friendly 'I like you' but far too soon to identify in more precise detail. Its fair to say that if it wasn't basically over before it started I would have taken everything much more slowly - a relationship which lights up and burns as fast as this one is destined to fizzle out as quick as it began, which in this case was as I said before - the plan!
So I'm getting in and out of what feels like a relationship in record time - like some kind of emotional ninja! I honestly think though that I haven't acted foolishly expressing myself like that. I've got myself in a world of pain in the past because I contained my feelings and shared them with no-one. I know now that for my own happiness and everyone else's I have to just be totally straight with people about what I'm thinking and feeling.
Also before you express your feelings they feel bottled up - like a boiling kettle wanting to whistle. If I'd been sensible and said nothing I would have said goodbye to her and then felt really sad, because I'd not expressed myself and the moment would then have passed. This way even if its the worst possible thing I could have done and she never wants to speak to me again because its too complicated now, I'm back in my neutral space - I can happily say that it started, went on, and ended in a way I'm happy and proud about. No deception, no hard feelings, lots of respect, love and great sex! Lesson well learned I feel.
Well its poetic really, because its had a time limit from the word go - she's not from England and she's returning home permanently next week. This meant that from the first meeting the agenda was clear - we would have as much fun as we could for 3 weeks and then that would be that - she would return to her life and I would get on with mine, both of us hopefully enriched and invigorated by the whole experience. I think that's pretty much whats happened as it goes - I feel good about myself, I've made a new close friend - because I'm under no illusion that our sexual relationship has any real future, but she's someone I would easily maintain a close friendship with regardless of that because she's such a cool person.
Learned something new about myself last week too. I was a silly bastard and told her that I love her. I realize now though that its not silly bastard behavior if its coming from the right place. I'm not for a minute trying to make her change her plan and stay, I just wanted to express what was in my heart and confirm for her - in case she was in any doubt - that yes, this had been a significant and very positive experience in my life, and that I appreciate all that she is.
It also brings me back to the old debate - that I'm sure will continue for my whole life - of what does love mean? what is it?
Surely there are many kinds of love; (ok I'll do ANOTHER checklist!!)
1) There's the love that rages between passionate lovers, a visceral, tangible physical sensation in the body, which yearns and aches for the other. This feeling is probably better described as infatuation.
2) Then there's the slow burning, ever deepening respect that two people who've managed to go on loving each other their whole lives have for each other. This is not much different to the feeling that long time close friends have for each other.
3) There's also that kind of love when you feel someone completes you and makes you feel safe - this one I have an issue with because I feel its more akin to need than love. Its amazing how much you feel close to someone who fulfills your emotional neediness, but often this dynamic can be quite separate from love, and one should take care to differentiate.
4) I think that ultimately you can only truly love someone properly if you can honestly say that you don't need them. If you don't need them - their support, their money, their companionship - you just enjoy being with them because you love them, this is honest love. And its quite simple - not a torrid conflagration of romantic overtures, not a co-dependency or a web of emotional hooks, just mutual respect, and a shared joy in togetherness.
So what was it I meant when I said it to her ( or texted - more accurately! Sorry, childish I know - I did say I was a silly bastard!!) -- well really only that I could feel the potential for the latter. It was rather vague actually - more that I know I was feeling something strong and it was more than just a friendly 'I like you' but far too soon to identify in more precise detail. Its fair to say that if it wasn't basically over before it started I would have taken everything much more slowly - a relationship which lights up and burns as fast as this one is destined to fizzle out as quick as it began, which in this case was as I said before - the plan!
So I'm getting in and out of what feels like a relationship in record time - like some kind of emotional ninja! I honestly think though that I haven't acted foolishly expressing myself like that. I've got myself in a world of pain in the past because I contained my feelings and shared them with no-one. I know now that for my own happiness and everyone else's I have to just be totally straight with people about what I'm thinking and feeling.
Also before you express your feelings they feel bottled up - like a boiling kettle wanting to whistle. If I'd been sensible and said nothing I would have said goodbye to her and then felt really sad, because I'd not expressed myself and the moment would then have passed. This way even if its the worst possible thing I could have done and she never wants to speak to me again because its too complicated now, I'm back in my neutral space - I can happily say that it started, went on, and ended in a way I'm happy and proud about. No deception, no hard feelings, lots of respect, love and great sex! Lesson well learned I feel.
Sunday, 10 January 2010
Be careful what you wish for!!
So I've occasionally been told this glib truism - be careful what you wish for, you might just get it... Well on new years eve I met a girl, really nice girl, just my type appearance wise, totally into me - and I guess I can't help it - I'm totally into her too! whoa there Nelly... haven't I just liberated myself from a long term relationship? whats the game plan here? To be honest I've not got one. I don't think I'm quite ready for another relationship, but on the other hand this girl seems to tick all the boxes on my list (see previous post - the Great Relationship Checklist) so what should I do?
Well as it happens I think the universe is just toying with me - she's from SA (ok I've got previous with South Africans - but what the hey!), and already has a firm plan to return there in 3 weeks time, flight arranged etc. She's been living and working here for a year, and had always planned to go back on that date in 3 weeks - so this is just a fling before she goes home - at least I think that's whats going on. Hard to say - we really do click well. Its actually not been very often that I've met someone with whom I have so much in common, and even less often that they like me too.
So I guess all things considered she would have to classify as a f**k buddy - reasoning: due to the artificial brevity of our liaison I'm approaching it with the attitude of - lets have as much great sex as possible before you go back to Africa and then that's it - it was lovely meeting you; where as if there was the possibility that it might be a proper relationship budding here I would definitely be taking it much slower. I'd have to say for the record though that she is someone I could have had a real relationship with under different circumstances.
So at the end of the day I'll have to settle for some great sex and happy memories. (And boy is it great!)
Going back to the truism - I think its quite amusing that I put up my relationship wish list on December 30th and met this girl on the 31st! And it just proves the other point I made about if you don't specify something you probably won't get it - So my wish list needs revising to include "is single and available for a relationship" !
If this blog is really like a direct line to the universal spirit and anything I ask for I will get: then I would say the best outcome of this would be that in 6 to 9 months time she decides that she'd rather live in England after all and come back ; then we could start over again and take it real slow. Cheers God ;)
P.S. I've known her 10 days and already I've written a song about her! Sad eh? but there's nothing like a really stimulating situation to get the creative juices flowing. Thinking I'll try and record it and give her it on CD when she leaves - as a souvenir.
Well as it happens I think the universe is just toying with me - she's from SA (ok I've got previous with South Africans - but what the hey!), and already has a firm plan to return there in 3 weeks time, flight arranged etc. She's been living and working here for a year, and had always planned to go back on that date in 3 weeks - so this is just a fling before she goes home - at least I think that's whats going on. Hard to say - we really do click well. Its actually not been very often that I've met someone with whom I have so much in common, and even less often that they like me too.
So I guess all things considered she would have to classify as a f**k buddy - reasoning: due to the artificial brevity of our liaison I'm approaching it with the attitude of - lets have as much great sex as possible before you go back to Africa and then that's it - it was lovely meeting you; where as if there was the possibility that it might be a proper relationship budding here I would definitely be taking it much slower. I'd have to say for the record though that she is someone I could have had a real relationship with under different circumstances.
So at the end of the day I'll have to settle for some great sex and happy memories. (And boy is it great!)
Going back to the truism - I think its quite amusing that I put up my relationship wish list on December 30th and met this girl on the 31st! And it just proves the other point I made about if you don't specify something you probably won't get it - So my wish list needs revising to include "is single and available for a relationship" !
If this blog is really like a direct line to the universal spirit and anything I ask for I will get: then I would say the best outcome of this would be that in 6 to 9 months time she decides that she'd rather live in England after all and come back ; then we could start over again and take it real slow. Cheers God ;)
P.S. I've known her 10 days and already I've written a song about her! Sad eh? but there's nothing like a really stimulating situation to get the creative juices flowing. Thinking I'll try and record it and give her it on CD when she leaves - as a souvenir.
Saturday, 2 January 2010
The Great F**k Buddy Checklist!
So having carefully considered and proscribed the list of qualities required in the perfect woman its easy now to just sit back and wait for her to arrive in my life - blissful in the knowledge that no-one short of an angel will ever be able to steal my heart now that I have laid down the rules! Of course I'm perfect in every way, and live up to all those ideals myself - naturally!
After sucking on the helium balloon of idealism one has to take a few big breaths from the oxygen mask of realism and come down to earth. I realize that I'm a fairly energetic young man, brimming with ideas and new plans, I seem to be terminally horny and craving for intimacy and company, but at the same time feeling very happy with my new found state of singleness - what’s a guy to do?
I've never been one for going out on the pull and having one night stands. Never done it. Really don't get excited by the idea of having sex with someone who I don't even know if I actually like, and then never finding out either way. Something in my sense of self respect feels like I’m being cheated, or cheapened, or just short changing myself.
There’s another way round this - which is hooking up with a f**k buddy, for anyone who’s not entirely clear what that means its when you are ‘friends with benefits’ or, in other words adding a casual sexual dimension to a regular friendship. There are two kinds - f**k buddies you meet as a 1 night stand and turn into a regular, or people who have been friends for a time before who you fancy and want to sleep with. The first kind is easy to manage. there's really nothing complicated about that at all. The second is a bit more tricky and has often been cited as a really great way to f**k up a perfectly good friendship, but I can say with conviction that this is not necessarily the case as I have recently found out!
Its all really down to how emotionally mature you both are able to be about it, and how much self control you have.
In my recent experience of this it so happened that I had a semi regular sexual thing with someone who had been a pretty close friend, and then after a few weeks went right back to being close friends again. No pain, no trauma, no apologies, no regrets, no emotional hangover…
So here’s how it works:
1) You and your friend are able to discuss sex frankly and have a shared understanding around it.
2) You are able to openly discuss the fact that you don’t want a relationship. And both agree. If one party really wants to be serious then its going to end badly. It helps if there’s some practical reason why its not possible for you to have a proper relationship – this makes it easy to keep it simple.
3) You both are emotionally self aware enough and honest enough to discuss your real feelings around the situation, and explore with each other in an atmosphere of mutual love and respect.
4) Remember it is possible to love someone exactly the way you love a close friend, whilst not actually being in love with them. Remember this distinction - its very important. When you have sex you make love, and be as loving and passionate as you like, but its sharing love with a good friend, in the same way you might share a really good laugh.
5) Be self monitoring – don’t allow your own neediness to come into it. Treat your friend with the same respect you always did, and when it’s over let it go without a struggle – remember it’s the friendship that you want to keep, nothing else.
6) Don't tell all your mates about it.
QUESTION FOR THE FLOOR: Anything crucial I've missed here? Whilst this advise is great for me it might be totally different for someone else... does this fit in with anyone else's experiences? Or have you got an example of when it went horribly wrong?
Happy new year y'all!
After sucking on the helium balloon of idealism one has to take a few big breaths from the oxygen mask of realism and come down to earth. I realize that I'm a fairly energetic young man, brimming with ideas and new plans, I seem to be terminally horny and craving for intimacy and company, but at the same time feeling very happy with my new found state of singleness - what’s a guy to do?
I've never been one for going out on the pull and having one night stands. Never done it. Really don't get excited by the idea of having sex with someone who I don't even know if I actually like, and then never finding out either way. Something in my sense of self respect feels like I’m being cheated, or cheapened, or just short changing myself.
There’s another way round this - which is hooking up with a f**k buddy, for anyone who’s not entirely clear what that means its when you are ‘friends with benefits’ or, in other words adding a casual sexual dimension to a regular friendship. There are two kinds - f**k buddies you meet as a 1 night stand and turn into a regular, or people who have been friends for a time before who you fancy and want to sleep with. The first kind is easy to manage. there's really nothing complicated about that at all. The second is a bit more tricky and has often been cited as a really great way to f**k up a perfectly good friendship, but I can say with conviction that this is not necessarily the case as I have recently found out!
Its all really down to how emotionally mature you both are able to be about it, and how much self control you have.
In my recent experience of this it so happened that I had a semi regular sexual thing with someone who had been a pretty close friend, and then after a few weeks went right back to being close friends again. No pain, no trauma, no apologies, no regrets, no emotional hangover…
So here’s how it works:
1) You and your friend are able to discuss sex frankly and have a shared understanding around it.
2) You are able to openly discuss the fact that you don’t want a relationship. And both agree. If one party really wants to be serious then its going to end badly. It helps if there’s some practical reason why its not possible for you to have a proper relationship – this makes it easy to keep it simple.
3) You both are emotionally self aware enough and honest enough to discuss your real feelings around the situation, and explore with each other in an atmosphere of mutual love and respect.
4) Remember it is possible to love someone exactly the way you love a close friend, whilst not actually being in love with them. Remember this distinction - its very important. When you have sex you make love, and be as loving and passionate as you like, but its sharing love with a good friend, in the same way you might share a really good laugh.
5) Be self monitoring – don’t allow your own neediness to come into it. Treat your friend with the same respect you always did, and when it’s over let it go without a struggle – remember it’s the friendship that you want to keep, nothing else.
6) Don't tell all your mates about it.
QUESTION FOR THE FLOOR: Anything crucial I've missed here? Whilst this advise is great for me it might be totally different for someone else... does this fit in with anyone else's experiences? Or have you got an example of when it went horribly wrong?
Happy new year y'all!
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